Answers to commonly asked questions

These are questions that we often hear from our clients. Here’s our perspective. We hope these answers are of help.

How does mediation work?
Divorcing couples begin mediation with a no-charge consultation. We prefer to see both parties to the divorce at the same time so that they can learn the same information at the same time and experience the impartiality of the mediator. If mediation makes sense to both, we’ll schedule the first two-hour mediation session.

How many sessions does it take?
It depends on the complexity of their situation, the level of conflict between them, whether they have children and own a home. But usually three sessions.

What happens at each of the three sessions?
We begin with any issue that is a priority for them. If there is no pressing issue, the first session includes gathering information about their marital estate, what they own and what they owe. Often they do not have all of the information available, so homework is necessary. We do budgets as a foundation for the discussion about child support and spousal maintenance. Intermingled with these discussions is the discussion about their plans for the parenting of the children.

What guidelines do you follow for child support?
There are many options regarding the future support of children after divorce. We show both the child support guidelines for divorces filed before January 1, 2007, and the income shares child support guidelines which went into effect after January 1, 2007. We ask parents to indicate who will be responsible for what needs of the children.

Is a mediated settlement the same as a legal settlement?
Not exactly. A mediated settlement after agreement of each party in mediation goes to a professional to draft the legal documents for filing with the court. Most often one of their attorneys drafts the legal documents which are then reviewed by the other attorney. If there are any major changes recommended by one attorney, the parties return to mediation to renegotiate.

Can I bring in a friend to the sessions?
Sometimes, if that person helps you feel safe. It can’t be someone who will upset the other person, such as a boyfriend or girlfriend!

How much will mediation cost?
The average is about $2,000 total, depending on the complexity of the situation. To put this in perspective, usually this amount is what some attorneys will ask for in a retainer. Our total is about 1/5 of what you’d pay some attorneys.

Is it possible to draw up the divorce decree so that I never have to think about her/him again, since we don’t have children together?
The memory of the relationship will always exist. As mediators, we suggest you not throw away and erase the marriage from your life. By honoring the good memories and forgiving and letting go of the bad, you will feel as if you haven’t wasted your life. This attitude frees you emotionally to look forward. Resentments only tie you more strongly to the marriage. Resentments are like letting the other person live rent free in your mind.

Is there a custody arrangement that reduces conflict in the future?
Yes, there is a formula, and it is the one the two of you build together. You can end the marriage partnership, but not the parenting relationship. For the benefit of the children, you must see each other and talk with each other. There will be many issues to work through that impact your children that no award of custody can completely cover. It’s better to create a plan that addresses coordination of school schedules, transportation to extra-curricular activities, re-marriage, moving households, travel and so on. It’s better to have a process for ongoing discussions than to try to cover all eventualities in a decree.

Will my parenting responsibilities be marginalized as a dad? Does the mother automatically have all the rights?
Post divorce parenting has more to do with parental responsibilities than any one parent’s rights. Both parents should take responsibility for their children and should participate in their lives.

We were never married, so can’t I keep the children away from him now that we have ended our relationship?
Often in cases where the parents were never married and split up, we see mothers who feel protective of their children and suspicious of the father’s commitment as a parent. More often, though, those fathers want a relationship with the children. Deep down, most parents know it’s important for children to have a relationship with both parents. The parents need to move from “evidence against the other parent” to “what they can do differently in the future for the sake of the children.”

How can we possibly negotiate a divorce when we couldn’t negotiate a successful marriage?
This question comes up when divorcing couples are considering mediation or retaining opposing attorneys. They think it will be easier and safer to have an attorney fight for their rights. We see it differently, especially if there are children. Why not use the divorcing process to begin to establish how you will negotiate and resolve conflict? We provide a safe and confidential forum outside the court. We offer ideas of how to do things differently. We offer constructive options.

If there is any problem around parenting, can’t I just have the court settle it?
Judges prefer that parents make their own decisions. Courts are not equipped to adjust the details of ongoing parenting conflicts. Most divorce decrees require mediation before returning to court. Courts are more appropriate for hearing a change of custody motion, which typically is initiated when circumstances change.

Will divorce end the relationship?
If you have children, divorce does not end your role as a parent. As co-parents, you will need to have a productive parenting relationship with the other parent. If you don’t have children, but there is alimony, your relationship continues on at least a business level.

Should I get a lawyer right away?
In many divorces, people represent themselves. Good lawyers are helpful, but the legal adversary process can be expensive and often seeks to solve problems through opposing positions, not through cooperation.

By law, does the mother have greater custody rights.
Rather than saying one parent is better, it is critical to recognize that both have strengths and are important in different ways.

If I leave everything up to the judge, will the order be fair?
Judges frequently say that if both people are unhappy with the judgment, it’s a good one. We believe that both people can be happy with a mediated settlement.

Is there a set formula for child support, alimony and property division?
Divorce laws are discretionary when it comes to property settlements and alimony. There are child support guidelines that the court will impose if you can’t agree.

Does the most powerful person in the relationship always win in a divorce?
Both of you have power in different ways. In mediation, knowledge trumps power. Options overcome entrenchment. We look for ways for both people to use their power in a way that helps solve problems. We tell people: divorce is not about power, it’s about empowerment.

If there is a problem post-divorce, will the courts decide who is right?
Judges are very busy, and hope never to see you after the divorce. Judges prefer not to make decisions for divorcing parents. They encourage parties to reach their own agreement. All parties to divorces must attempt mediation or some form of dispute resolution.

We’re living apart pending a divorce, and the kids are miserable at his/her house. What should I do?
When a parent says that the kids dislike going to the other parent’s house, the schedule isn’t working, or that a child isn’t receiving good nutrition, the problem isn’t removed by getting custody. We typically find that the primary issue is conflict between the parents on matters that have little to do with their children. The services of a therapist often are more helpful than going to court.

If we do this divorce right, will it be easy?
You likely will never do anything more emotionally difficult than to go through divorce, even in the best of circumstances.