Knowing your “top card” and your partner’s “top card” helps you accept separate realities

These excerpts are from Lynn Lott’s Positive Divorce workshop, April 3, 2009, in Minneapolis, Minnesota. In her own words:

I do an exercise with my clients that helps them understand their personality style or what I call their “top card.” There are basically for top card styles, and these styles of behavior usually become most pronounced when we are stressed, as we would naturally be in a divorce situation.

We probably create our top card based on our separate way of seeing life, our separate realities, and what we decide about life, by the time we are 5 year old. And they apply our private logic.

To determine a person’s top card, I ask them what they dislike most. It flows from that.

The Chameleon

If they dislike rejection and hassles, their top card is pleasing (the chameleon). These are people who act friendly and say yes when they mean no. They are sensitive to others, but they feel resentful if ignored. They need approval from others. Their challenge is to be more open and honest about what they are thinking and feeling.

The Eagle

If they dislike criticism and ridicule, their top card is control (the eagle). These are do-it-yourselfers, who often stuff their feelings. They make good leaders, but also keep a social or emotional distance. They need others to give them time to sort out their feelings. Their challenge is to stop and listen to what others are saying without withdrawing.

The Lion

If they dislike meaningless and unimportance, their top card is superiority (the lion). These are people who take on too much, worry about always doing more, and put down other people. They get a lot done and are precise and knowledgeable, but often feel overwhelmed and can be rude or insulting. They need others to thank and affirm them. Their challenge is to give credit and show an interest in others.

The Turtle

If they dislike stress and pain, their top card is comfort (the turtle). These are people who only do what they know they do well and avoid risks. They are fun to be around, but can also appear to be lazy. They need others to encourage them and give them time. Their challenge is to show up, speak up and ask for what they want.

Sometimes when I am working with clients in divorce, I give each a stuffed animal based on their top card, and ask them to relate to each other as if they were the animals. I want someone who likes comfort to think of themselves as a turtle, who will retreat under stress. If the spouse is a lion, with the top card of superiority, I give them a lion. A lion is a lion and a turtle is a turtle, and the first thing I ask them to do is accept that they are different and you can’t turn one animal into another. The turtle can’t be the lion and the lion can’t be the turtle.

The top card is a personality profile. It helps people see their point of view and helps others see their point of view. People play their top card when they are afraid. So I ask them about their feelings. So we get away from judging who they are and instead understanding what they are feeling.

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