“Winning strategies” when dealing with people begin by knowing your feelings

These excerpts are from Lynn Lott’s Positive Divorce workshop, April 3, 2009, in Minneapolis, Minnesota. In her own words:

When people come to me for help, whether for divorce counseling or something else, I think that I most help them when I help them understand their feelings.

Clients want us to give advice. When people are in dispute, they want us to pick a side or try to be judge and jury. I see them wanting to pick what I call losing strategies, not winning strategies.

Here’s what I call losing strategies:

Being right

Controlling your partner

Seeking revenge

Withdrawing or stonewalling

Endlessly venting

Being defensive

Showing contempt

Rather, I steer my clients into what I consider winning strategies. At the base of all of these winning strategies is to understand how you feel and be able to articulate it.
Here is what I call winning strategies:

Say what you want

Use the “I” message to state your feelings and your wishes and hopes

Choose your battles, and give generously where you can

Empower your ex or your child

Say that you may have to agree to disagree, but you’ll be happy to think about it and get back to the issue

Refuse to be treated disrespectfully saying, “Stop! I can’t work things out when I feel disrespected. Shall we try again?

Ask, “What do you need from me to give me what I want.”

Depression is a giant hairball of feelings. It’s not a separate feeling. It’s hopeless, helplessness, anger, discouragement all rolled together. The danger in saying “I feel depressed,” is that people treat you like you have a disease.

I tell my clients, don’t be lazy about how you feel. Tell me exactly how you feel. We can’t help you unless we really know what is going on. If your gas gauge is reading empty, and you don’t look at it, you’ll get into problems.

When a client tells you a problem, you as a therapist want to fix it. Rather, a more helpful response would be:

“You feel ___________, because __________________and you wish __________________.”

So when a person says to you, “My ex-husband hasn’t paid his child support payments since August,” a helpful therapy statement, rather than suggesting a solution, would be, “You feel frustrated and vulnerable, because you don’t know if you can make ends meet, and you wish he would honor his commitments.” That way you are connecting with your client on a feeling and emotional level, and they feel supported and understood.

Then say, “Tell me when you’re ready to move on.” Once they articulate a feeling and are heard, they are more ready to consider choices. That empowers your clients.

A mediator could use this if a couple is in a stuck or blaming situation. You can say to the man: “Ask her how she feels. Ask her why? Ask her what she wishes would happen.” And then do the same to the woman, asking her to ask these same questions of the man.

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